Soon to be Graduated

Good day!

This post has been long overdue. I should have written and posted this last week. However, I was thoroughly enjoying the feeling of liberation after the completion of my last paper. After all of the grief that have occurred these past two years, my high school life has finally come to an end. I have just completed my final WACE examinations which ultimately means that I am finally done with my twelve years of compulsory schooling and I am ready to move onto the next stage of my life. Adulthood.

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Just A Quick Flashback

Hello.

Yes, it has been a while. No, I did not intentionally leave you. Yes, I will be writing more. No, I’ll only start writing on a regular basis once I’ve given my best in embracing my studies. Yes, I’m only writing this right now because I feel the need to.

So let’s get to it, shall we?

Of course, you might not have noticed but within the span of the last two years, I’ve evolved into a very cynical person. Specifically, I’ve been very cynical about love. That’s right, the girl that has been infatuated with all things romantic crap has been flipped around completely. And now, I don’t believe in love. Let me clarify some things. I believe in platonic love between friends and family. I still believe in that. Yes, even after that whole traumatic incident within our family. I’ve realised that it’s fragile and that it takes a lot of effort to piece back a family but I would still say it’s love. Sure, there are secrets and things that we choose to ignore but it’s somehow functioning right now. I would still say that I love my brother. No matter how stupid he is and how much hate I felt for him, I still love him. I still have a lot of hate towards him, for what he did but I still believe that I love him. So, yes, I still believe in love between family. But I don’t believe in romantic love. Not anymore.

I think that it’s complete and utter bullshit.


Certain events have led me to my current perspective of everything and honestly, I regret nothing. I wouldn’t go back and change anything. I think that I’m exactly where I’m meant to be. I don’t want to be emotionally attached to anyone. I’m content in that aspect of my life. No, I’m not saying that I never want to marry someone and be happy with that certain someone. But right now, no, I don’t want to be with anybody. Honestly, I don’t know what ‘love’ is. Of course, many people say that ‘love’ is when you notice certain things about that someone and ‘love’ is when it doesn’t feel right when that person isn’t around.

WHAT. BULLSHIT.

SCREW MAKING UP EXCUSES AS TO WHY YOU CAN’T CONCENTRATE. SCREW WILLINGLY LETTING PEOPLE AFFECT YOUR EMOTIONS.

You can’t help falling in love. Love just happens.

Yeah, screw that load of nonsense.

As Malcolm/Kevin Doyle once said: “Love is patient, love is kind, love means slowly losing your mind.”

For some reason, it seems as if a lot of people around me have been breaking up.

My sister broke up with her boyfriend a couple of weeks ago. Apparently it was a toxic relationship. She was putting a lot more effort into the relationship than he was. There were some other details but I don’t think that it would be quite so appropriate if I were to disclose them here. The thing is, from the very beginning- 3 years ago- the whole family could tell that my sister was definitely the only one in that relationship that actually worked to make it work. However, she kept insisting that that was not the case until, she couldn’t take it anymore and so she broke things off and finally admitted to herself that that was indeed the case.

She claims that she still loves him and that she will ALWAYS love him.

I do understand where she is coming from, to a certain degree.


I have mentioned this before, on my other blog, where I did ‘fall in love’ with my best friend..and…

I did feel that way. I felt that I would always like him. That I would always love him as a best friend would. I felt that no matter how badly I wanted to forget him, no matter how badly I wanted to erase the memories or no matter how much I wanted to stop feeling anything towards him- I wouldn’t be able to do it. At that time, he was all I could ever possibly think about.

And I get it. It’s hard. It’s hard to suddenly realise that you’ve put so much time and effort into this one thing and now you just have to watch it all fall apart and know that you can’t possibly do anything to save it. It’s hard. It will take time. It will hurt.

At that time, I did not understand.

I hated it. I wanted to go back and change everything. If I had done this or done that, would things have been different? Would I have been happy?

No. Now I can safely say that. I do not like him. I do not need him. I don’t need anybody. And I definitely would not change anything even if I could.

It did take time. It took some time for me to realise that I was being very stupid. It took time for me to realise that I didn’t know what love was. It took time for me to realise that I didn’t need to love anybody.

But I do realise that, ‘that’ is definitely NOT love. Love is not about loving someone blindly. Love is not about prioritising someone to the point of losing yourself. Love is not about hurting yourself for the sake of loving that person. That is not love. If you feel like you can’t operate without that someone, then there’s your problem right there.

During my time of ‘loving’ that someone, I found myself blaming myself whenever he suddenly exploded in my face. To the point of feeling the need to apologise to him even though I had clearly not done anything wrong. I hated it. That was definitely not love. I was placing that person before me in everything. I was losing myself. Love is not about conforming yourself to match that person.

After I realised that it needed to stop, that I needed to wake up and start loving myself, I began to change. As you already know, I personally don’t believe in a love where you blindly place someone before you. (Just to clear things up. When I say this, I mean, where you willing accept shit from that person and you love someone more than they love you. That kind of ‘love’. I don’t believe in it. It’s not right.) I began to change in that aspect. I also changed by trying new things and learning how to operate without him by my side. Because really, when I decided to distance myself from him and completely remove him from my life, I didn’t just lose someone that I liked… I lost my best friend.

It was really hard. I had been friends with him for a decade and losing that was an incredibly low point in my life. It also didn’t help that that was also the period in which, my brother had left us and that was the time that I really needed his support. He did try to comfort me during that period but both of us knew that it was awkward and that it wasn’t right.

I ignored him for a year. I felt that it was necessary, in order for me to slowly heal myself.

I’m sure he didn’t like it. And maybe it was horrible for me to do that. But it was finally time for me to be a little bit selfish. I ignored everything. It started off with me not speaking to him. Then I ignored his messages. I ignored his apology for him not being able to to see me when it was my birthday. (Okay, that one took me by surprise. I didn’t think that he would actually send me that message) I ignored him when he tried to talk to me at school. Yes, even when he called out my name. I ignored him to the point that he felt the need to purposely walk straight into me. It hurt walking into his chest like that. And still, I ignored him.

Yes, it was unfair for me to end our friendship like that but I really couldn’t stand him at that point. Even though it wasn’t his fault, I had to do it.


Three months ago, we finally talked.

It was normal. I was finally able to look him in the eyes and be confident with the fact that I was happy without his companionship. Now, things are okay.

We’re not the friends that we used to be but it’s okay.

People grow, people fade…. and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

We still joke and laugh together. There’s no more ignoring from either party.

But it’s no longer the same. I never want it to be the same again. It was a great friendship but there’s no need for me to pursue that anymore. I don’t think about him anymore, I’ve stopped thinking about him for a year now. Sure, since that experience, I’m all I’ve got. People, they come and go but I am transcendent. I shouldn’t abuse myself by reducing myself to something so weak.

I would rather spend all that time and effort being happy, trying new things and growing as an individual.


I had to learn that I was just being a stupid high school kid. If you were like me, here’s some advice. It might feel like trying to pursue a crush is everything right now but… let me just tell you something that you already know. It’s not. It really isn’t. Just work on yourself. Love yourself and be a good student. That kind of love that I’ve been discussing this whole time, yeah… that love fades. It always does. Be it months or years, it will fade. And once it does, you don’t want to be left with an unaccomplished self. Because that’s just stupid.


That’s it. That’s all I guess. I just thought I would update on things because even though this is supposed to be my private blog, I haven’t been disclosing any personal matters and so this was just a little update on that. I am in my final year right now and I’m glad that that was all in the past. I’m not particularly smart and so I’m just going to do my best and have fun with it.

 

Here’s to bigger and better things!

And with that, I am done!

Christmas in 2015

Obviously, as all of us are officially in the year 2016. It only seems fitting for there to be a newly published blog post about the Christmas presents that were received last year. So let’s begin.

 

Presents from my sister/ my sister’s boyfriend:

I received a TYPO water bottle from my sister which has a giant ‘L’ on it. ‘L’ for Linn. She also bought be this great big daily 2016 planner; again from TYPO. She absolutely adores that store.

Her boyfriend bought me some Japanese Sencha tea from T2, a Japanese tea strainer and a Japanese tea cup. Very mature gifts there.

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(I bought tea for my parents too)

My mother bought me some jewellery. Very pretty. She bought me bracelets and one of them was for my sister. It’s a sister set, ‘big sis’ for her, ‘little sis’ for me. I think that it was extremely cute!

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My godparents then gave me an Oscar Wilde notebook. It has some of his works on the cover and inside as well. It completely made my day. My sister bought me one before, but it was the William Shakespeare one. I love these notebooks and maybe I’ll collect more of them in the future! I’m not too familiar with Oscar Wilde’s works but I’m definitely going to look into that a little more now.

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My best friend made a pillow for me. How awesome is that? Not to mention it’s incredibly squishy. She’s been on a pillow-making spree lately, She also bought me this journal from TYPO. I’ve never owned such a shiny object before. Not to mention that this is the best journal that I have ever owned. it’s very mature. – The ones that I’ve been using were free.

I absolutely love her because she knows me so well. No kidding her words were: “So what you do is, you write in your journal then when you get too emotional while doing that, you hug the pillow.” And check out her card. Brilliant.

 

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And on Boxing Day when I went out with my family to see if any of their sales were good. I came across Ed Sheeran’s Wembley Edition ‘Multiply’ album at KMart and it was the last of its kind on the shelves. And so I took it as fate and purchased it. It was one of the rare moments of me being …shall we say… spontaneous.

 

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I could spend a very long time expressing my love for this album, however that is not the purpose of this post. And so that shall be all.

 

Good Day.

2015 : The Stories.

We’re here.

We’ve made it through the entire year… and here we are on New Year’s Eve.

How do you feel? Has it been amazing for you?

This year… many things happened. Some good, mostly bad. But that’s just life.

For me… looking back on my past year of 2015, the things that immediately come to my mind are upsetting events that leave me feeling terrible. But I’ve realised that that shouldn’t be the case. There were many things that unfolded this year that I’m extremely happy about and grateful for. I thought, if this is the end of the year and I can’t change what has happened (I wouldn’t want to anyway because things happen for a reason, even if it’s not to our advantage.) then I should just be thankful for the things that did.

Hence, here is my compilation of my ‘first times’ for this year.

For starters, I picked up a guitar.  I finally did it. It was always at the back of my mind to learn how to play the guitar. This was obviously heavily influenced by my brother and Jack Johnson, initially, however it’s now turned to Ed Sheeran – and Shawn Mendes had a small part in it too. So I am now a proud owner of my very own guitar. I received him this year for my seventeenth birthday, it is technically a second-hand guitar since my parents and sister found him at Cash Converters for fifty dollars, however he is in excellent condition (looks band new to me) and I named him Mori. I love him immensely and I’ve learnt to play the intros of two songs on him. (‘Fast Car’ by Tracy Chapman and ‘Small Bump’ by Ed Sheeran ) both self-taught and so I’m incredibly slow but I thoroughly enjoy it and it makes me happy.

Speaking of Ed Sheeran, I’m grateful for knowingly falling in love with him for the first time this year. If you have not read my other post this year, I have loved his songs for many years while I never knew that he had sung them. Going on from there, I’m equally grateful for having been able to attend my very first concert ever. It was surreal and unforgettable; it was amazing.

Wow.

I thought the Ed Sheeran streak was over but I guess not. I also bought my first album this year, as a Christmas present to myself from myself. Now when I say ‘my first album’. This isn’t my first album that I have owned however, it is most definitely the first album that was purchased with the intention of me being its first and sole owner. It is an Ed Sheeran album, his ‘Multiply- Wembley Edition’ album, to be exact. It not only contains his Multiply CD with the extra tracks but also his Jumpers for Goalposts film. I saw that it was the final copy on the shelf and it was a reasonable price of eighteen dollars so I just accepted it as fate and purchased it. This is probably the closest that I have ever accomplished in terms of ‘being spontaneous’. ‘Tis True.

Moving on, I completely fell in love with the Harry Potter series towards the end of this year. Call me slow, for only seeing the beauty in it only now but I think that it’s okay. Brilliant, in fact. I’m at that age where I am somewhat able to proclaim myself as being semi-mature and I’m able to thoroughly enjoy it with this mindset. I love it. I’m absolutely in love with it.

I have also bought my first glass pen/ quill this year. I’ve been wanting to write with ink from a inkwell for the longest time and now I really enjoy honing my calligraphy/ handwriting skills.

Speaking of purchasing things. This next one isn’t necessarily a ‘thing’. It’s Thumper. My new and first official pet. (Meaning my fighting fishes that constantly killed each other are immediately excluded from this.) He’s a rabbit, a dwarf lop rabbit. We’re still currently debating its gender as apparently it is pretty difficult to distinguish a rabbit’s gender. My father thinks that he’s a girl, but I disagree. Thumper is now officially nearing 11 weeks old and we’ve almost had him for three weeks now. He’s adorable, silly and we all love him.

I’m going to finish off with that.

And look at that, two minutes till 2016.

 

I’ll see you there. A fresh new start. It’s in our hands. So let’s make the magic happen.

The Tale of Little Monsters, Ed Sheeran and an Endless Night

Aloha.

Considering that my last post was uploaded last week, I’d say that I’m still in the safe zone. This post will be slightly different compared to my other ones, just because it’s a little bit more exciting and eventful.

I don’t think that I’ve mentioned it before on this blog but I was indeed scheduled to see Ed Sheeran in Perth on the second of December this year. I had been waiting for this day for a little over six months and when it finally happened… it just felt completely surreal. But it happened and I still cannot form the words to describe how I felt. (Except maybe… ‘awestruck’. Shout out to Wilder)

Well… let’s begin this tale shall we?

On the days leading up to the second of December, I felt surprisingly normal about everything. However that day was an extremely big day. I was scheduled to return back to school to aid with the Orientation Day; meaning I was to spend seven hours guiding little year sixes around the school, making sure that they were able to go to the toilet, not get lost, while all providing information about what High School life was going to be like.

It was exhausting. Luckily, we (my friends and I) were allocated with the nicest little twelve-year-olds. They didn’t complain a lot and they were extremely good at listening and following instructions. Not to mention, they were absolutely adorable.

After those seven hours, my friend and I walked back to her house. (We were going to the concert together, her mother was extremely kind and supplied the Ed Sheeran concert ticket to me) The temperature was around thirty-seven degrees and the Sun wasn’t doing us any favours either.

After a quick dinner, getting changed and waiting for the other girls to change. (I took five minutes to change. Somehow, it took them an hour and a half. The world works in mysterious ways.) We finally set off to NIB Stadium.

From there, we met up with some of my other friends and the concert began. Luckily, we were able to find a standing area that was right in front of the centre of the stage. Seeing Foy Vance, Passenger and Ed Sheeran perform was terribly exciting.

I found Foy Vance and Passenger extremely adorable. They gave me the impression that they were shy and had low self-esteem issues by talking about how they knew that nobody really wanted to see them and that everyone was just waiting for Ed Sheeran to walk up on stage.

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It was so refreshing seeing such big names acting so humble and down-to-earth.

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In the middle of Passenger’s performance, it finally hit me that it was him. I was actually seeing him right now, in real life. This was him. And another thing hit me. If this really was Passenger then I was really going to see Ed Sheeran soon. Me. I was going to see Ed. The amazing hairy orange man that I loved. His guitar skills, his voice, his humour; everything. (Obviously, in a completely platonic way) That twang and sudden burst of realisation struck me and my whole body felt tingly, this was it, my heart was beating fast and I felt completely breathless. It was amazing and I felt like crying in the happiest way possible.

Rudimental was also there, but I was never a really big fan of them. Though I did find out that they were the artists behind ‘Waiting all Night’. That was brilliant. I really had fun singing and dancing to that song.

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And finally, the stage was dark and clips of foetus Ed (that makes me laugh. I love how fans come up with the strangest terms) started flashing across the screen until the one and only Ed Sheeran came up running onto the stage. He played his song: ‘One’ first. Before having a quick chat with us  and of course saying the words that I have been longing to hear for so long…

Hi, my name is Ed, my job for the next two hours is to entertain you, your job is to be entertained. Can I get a “HELL YEAH”?

Thankfully, I recorded it and he moved on to singing “Lego House” which matched my predictions.

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Everything about it was amazing. We sang, we danced and Ed never messed up on the guitar throughout the whole thing. I want to play like him. I’m still learning. But maybe one day I’ll be half as good as he is now.

The concert ended at eleven o’clock that night and I only ended up falling asleep at two thirty in the morning. Courtesy of having a sleep over, watching Anastasia and my friend and I talking.

The next day once I got back home, I had received a notification… from Passenger.

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It completely made my day. Especially since I was not expecting him to reply. I just wanted to send some love his way especially after all that he had said while he was up on stage.

Everything was amazing.

 

And seeing as how this was my first concert experience. I would say that it definitely went out with a bang.

The only cons of the concert were the screaming pre-pubescent girl and the lack of water. (As well as the incredibly old sugar-daddy next to me.) 

 

Summer Break: I’m Back.

It’s been months.

I’m just going to be upfront and honest, because that’s the only way this relationship is  ever going to work out. That’s the only way any relationship is ever going to work out. It is the fundamentals that is the key to functioning. So I just have to put it out there.

I was neglecting you. I was definitely not treating you right.

This is a space. A space that I have to fill with my writing. It isn’t fair if I don’t do that. It’s not fair for both of us. So I’ll try being a better writer. I’ll try writing more. I’ll put more effort into doing so. No matter how busy my life gets, it isn’t fair if you get ignored by me.

That is why, this summer, I’ll be writing a lot more.

I hope that you’ll be there for me.

And so, that is a goal of mine. To write more.

I have set this goal for myself before, back in 2014. And I did end up reaching that goal. I definitely wrote a lot that year. Don’t believe me? I had set this goal at the beginning of that year and by the end I had already written four journals without even thinking about it twice. It’s funny isn’t it? How just stating a simple goal ensures that you gravitate towards it.

I’m sure that all of you have experienced this mysterious wonder at least once in your life.

It’s amazing isn’t it?

I don’t know about you but 2015 hasn’t been too great for me. It think that one of the reasons was that I didn’t have a particular goal in mind that I wanted to achieve. I never stated anything in particular and I found myself feeling rather lost and unaccomplished throughout many stages of this year. And so this upcoming year, I’m going to be the difference.

Join me.

Set goals for yourself.

Yell it out for the entire world to hear.

Hold yourself accountable to it.

And please, promise me that you’ll stop running away.

Run forwards.

Move forwards.

Chase your dreams.

Be your dreams.

Be proud.

Be brave.

Let’s do this.

No Longer the Fifth Member

From a couple posts ago.. I revealed a rather disturbing thing that had happened.

After many things that have unfolded for the past couple of months.. I’m no longer the fifth member. I am number four. (Yes, that is a movie reference, but this is serious.)  I don’t feel comfortable with disclosing too much information but the bottom line is, he left us, he walked out on this family. He chose a life of lies, vulgarity and disappointment.

As a result of his decision, our family of five has become a family of four.

Tears were shed, dust was cleared and we shall continue to rise from all of this; stronger and wiser.

Be strong.

[Update] The Tale of Reading, Darkness and Failures

Hola.

I’m back, so far.. I think it’s safe to say that I’m doing a pretty good job at keeping up with these posts. Sure, they’re not exactly ‘daily’ posts but I’d say it’s pretty close.

Today was my first day back at school.

For the past two weeks,  all the seniors (Year 11 & 12) were slaving away and sitting for exams so there weren’t any classes for us, exam students, to attend. Out of that whole two weeks break, I was only able to fully enjoy the last three days, only because the rest of the days were filled with panic, stress and sitting for hours on end in a giant room filled with fellow half-dead students.

With that being said, let’s bring it back to.. ‘Today was my first day back at school’.

It’s a new day, a new topic for all of my subjects. Basically, a fresh start.

I started off the day at 5:20AM but only felt the strength to unravel myself out of my sheets at 5:40 AM.  Usually, I wake at 5:20 to fit in a little yoga session on my mat and finishing just in time to begin school preparations at 6:00AM. However, on this particular morning I wasn’t feeling it and I didn’t want to push myself to get onto the mat because I don’t know about you but I have committed myself to yoga practice for the sole purpose of relaxation. I don’t want to push myself to do yoga when I clearly do not wish to because it’ll just produce a really undesirable effect.

In end, I spent the time slowly easing into my day.

I left the house at the usual time: 6:55AM to catch the bus to the nearest train station.

On this particular morning the sky was unusually dark and the sun was late in its early rising duties. At this point in time, I found the change rather … refreshing.

Once I stepped onto the train, I began a new reading adventure by making a start on the book: Great Expectations. Which is a book written by Charles Dickens. I’m not going to lie, I probably wouldn’t have picked up a book like this if I was left with the choice. However, my literature class will be studying this text by the next term and I thought it would be a sensible idea if I made a dent in it while I had the time.

While I was in  the midst of doing so an announcement was made. It was the driver, informing all the passengers that the train will be stopped at the next station for as little as a couple of minutes to as long as twenty minutes due to a bank-up of trains at the second last stop to the city. (Which was where I needed to get off)

This had never happened before so I was a little worried. I had a bus I need to catch at that stop, I couldn’t afford to wait twenty minutes.

Luckily, that little intermission only lasted around five minutes and then things proceeded as normal. In the end, I was still able to make it in time to catch the bus that I needed to catch and things were all fine and good.

Wrong.

I received the results to three out of six exams that I sat for. I scored well for one of them but I failed the other two. Things were definitely not looking good.

It wasn’t a complete shock to me since I had a sinking feeling about it after leaving the examination room but it doesn’t change the fact that I failed.

Today just wasn’t a good day and I got it. That unusual darkness this morning? It was prefect foreshadowing for my failures that I had to face today.

But it’s okay. I failed.

I failed and I can’t do anything but accept it. There’s no side-stepping this, I just have to face it.

As a quote once said:

“Successful people dare to fail but refuse to be defeated by failure.”

Moping around about failing will do me no good. I’ve got get back up and get revenge.

And what’s the best revenge?

“Success is the best revenge.”– Ed Sheeran

 

I’m going to start by taking advantage of this fresh start by preparing for the next exam tonight. I’m going to use the time I have while I have it.

Let’s make this work.

 

 

An Update: [The Tale of Reconnection]

I know, I’ve been severely neglecting this blog.

[Not to mention all other blog sites… However, none of them could compare to the number of times I have neglected this blog.]

I’m also completely aware that it’s already the middle of 2015 and I’m only just starting to update all my blogs. With all of life’s shenanigans, my hands have been completely full, leaving me with an unsettling lack of time for me to tend to my mental and physical state. Since I’ve recently began this conquest of reconnecting with all of my blogs, I’ve released an overall update [most of them being studying and Ed Sheeran related matters] on Linn Express and yesterday, I published a movie review [Little Manhattan] on Linn Reviews. If you’d like to read them, just click here and here.

In addition to reconnecting to this blog, I have also decided to breathe new life into LinnTellsAStory by changing the entire theme, into something of a more simple and straight-forwarded nature.

I’ve also received a newly found determination, so much so that I have decided to make a proclamation that I am determined to stick with. I will do my best to update this blog on a some-what weekly basis. [That may not ring true at times.. but I do promise to update on a much more frequent basis.]

With that… I’ll be leaving with an adieu.

I look forward to working with you.