Just A Quick Flashback

Hello.

Yes, it has been a while. No, I did not intentionally leave you. Yes, I will be writing more. No, I’ll only start writing on a regular basis once I’ve given my best in embracing my studies. Yes, I’m only writing this right now because I feel the need to.

So let’s get to it, shall we?

Of course, you might not have noticed but within the span of the last two years, I’ve evolved into a very cynical person. Specifically, I’ve been very cynical about love. That’s right, the girl that has been infatuated with all things romantic crap has been flipped around completely. And now, I don’t believe in love. Let me clarify some things. I believe in platonic love between friends and family. I still believe in that. Yes, even after that whole traumatic incident within our family. I’ve realised that it’s fragile and that it takes a lot of effort to piece back a family but I would still say it’s love. Sure, there are secrets and things that we choose to ignore but it’s somehow functioning right now. I would still say that I love my brother. No matter how stupid he is and how much hate I felt for him, I still love him. I still have a lot of hate towards him, for what he did but I still believe that I love him. So, yes, I still believe in love between family. But I don’t believe in romantic love. Not anymore.

I think that it’s complete and utter bullshit.


Certain events have led me to my current perspective of everything and honestly, I regret nothing. I wouldn’t go back and change anything. I think that I’m exactly where I’m meant to be. I don’t want to be emotionally attached to anyone. I’m content in that aspect of my life. No, I’m not saying that I never want to marry someone and be happy with that certain someone. But right now, no, I don’t want to be with anybody. Honestly, I don’t know what ‘love’ is. Of course, many people say that ‘love’ is when you notice certain things about that someone and ‘love’ is when it doesn’t feel right when that person isn’t around.

WHAT. BULLSHIT.

SCREW MAKING UP EXCUSES AS TO WHY YOU CAN’T CONCENTRATE. SCREW WILLINGLY LETTING PEOPLE AFFECT YOUR EMOTIONS.

You can’t help falling in love. Love just happens.

Yeah, screw that load of nonsense.

As Malcolm/Kevin Doyle once said: “Love is patient, love is kind, love means slowly losing your mind.”

For some reason, it seems as if a lot of people around me have been breaking up.

My sister broke up with her boyfriend a couple of weeks ago. Apparently it was a toxic relationship. She was putting a lot more effort into the relationship than he was. There were some other details but I don’t think that it would be quite so appropriate if I were to disclose them here. The thing is, from the very beginning- 3 years ago- the whole family could tell that my sister was definitely the only one in that relationship that actually worked to make it work. However, she kept insisting that that was not the case until, she couldn’t take it anymore and so she broke things off and finally admitted to herself that that was indeed the case.

She claims that she still loves him and that she will ALWAYS love him.

I do understand where she is coming from, to a certain degree.


I have mentioned this before, on my other blog, where I did ‘fall in love’ with my best friend..and…

I did feel that way. I felt that I would always like him. That I would always love him as a best friend would. I felt that no matter how badly I wanted to forget him, no matter how badly I wanted to erase the memories or no matter how much I wanted to stop feeling anything towards him- I wouldn’t be able to do it. At that time, he was all I could ever possibly think about.

And I get it. It’s hard. It’s hard to suddenly realise that you’ve put so much time and effort into this one thing and now you just have to watch it all fall apart and know that you can’t possibly do anything to save it. It’s hard. It will take time. It will hurt.

At that time, I did not understand.

I hated it. I wanted to go back and change everything. If I had done this or done that, would things have been different? Would I have been happy?

No. Now I can safely say that. I do not like him. I do not need him. I don’t need anybody. And I definitely would not change anything even if I could.

It did take time. It took some time for me to realise that I was being very stupid. It took time for me to realise that I didn’t know what love was. It took time for me to realise that I didn’t need to love anybody.

But I do realise that, ‘that’ is definitely NOT love. Love is not about loving someone blindly. Love is not about prioritising someone to the point of losing yourself. Love is not about hurting yourself for the sake of loving that person. That is not love. If you feel like you can’t operate without that someone, then there’s your problem right there.

During my time of ‘loving’ that someone, I found myself blaming myself whenever he suddenly exploded in my face. To the point of feeling the need to apologise to him even though I had clearly not done anything wrong. I hated it. That was definitely not love. I was placing that person before me in everything. I was losing myself. Love is not about conforming yourself to match that person.

After I realised that it needed to stop, that I needed to wake up and start loving myself, I began to change. As you already know, I personally don’t believe in a love where you blindly place someone before you. (Just to clear things up. When I say this, I mean, where you willing accept shit from that person and you love someone more than they love you. That kind of ‘love’. I don’t believe in it. It’s not right.) I began to change in that aspect. I also changed by trying new things and learning how to operate without him by my side. Because really, when I decided to distance myself from him and completely remove him from my life, I didn’t just lose someone that I liked… I lost my best friend.

It was really hard. I had been friends with him for a decade and losing that was an incredibly low point in my life. It also didn’t help that that was also the period in which, my brother had left us and that was the time that I really needed his support. He did try to comfort me during that period but both of us knew that it was awkward and that it wasn’t right.

I ignored him for a year. I felt that it was necessary, in order for me to slowly heal myself.

I’m sure he didn’t like it. And maybe it was horrible for me to do that. But it was finally time for me to be a little bit selfish. I ignored everything. It started off with me not speaking to him. Then I ignored his messages. I ignored his apology for him not being able to to see me when it was my birthday. (Okay, that one took me by surprise. I didn’t think that he would actually send me that message) I ignored him when he tried to talk to me at school. Yes, even when he called out my name. I ignored him to the point that he felt the need to purposely walk straight into me. It hurt walking into his chest like that. And still, I ignored him.

Yes, it was unfair for me to end our friendship like that but I really couldn’t stand him at that point. Even though it wasn’t his fault, I had to do it.


Three months ago, we finally talked.

It was normal. I was finally able to look him in the eyes and be confident with the fact that I was happy without his companionship. Now, things are okay.

We’re not the friends that we used to be but it’s okay.

People grow, people fade…. and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

We still joke and laugh together. There’s no more ignoring from either party.

But it’s no longer the same. I never want it to be the same again. It was a great friendship but there’s no need for me to pursue that anymore. I don’t think about him anymore, I’ve stopped thinking about him for a year now. Sure, since that experience, I’m all I’ve got. People, they come and go but I am transcendent. I shouldn’t abuse myself by reducing myself to something so weak.

I would rather spend all that time and effort being happy, trying new things and growing as an individual.


I had to learn that I was just being a stupid high school kid. If you were like me, here’s some advice. It might feel like trying to pursue a crush is everything right now but… let me just tell you something that you already know. It’s not. It really isn’t. Just work on yourself. Love yourself and be a good student. That kind of love that I’ve been discussing this whole time, yeah… that love fades. It always does. Be it months or years, it will fade. And once it does, you don’t want to be left with an unaccomplished self. Because that’s just stupid.


That’s it. That’s all I guess. I just thought I would update on things because even though this is supposed to be my private blog, I haven’t been disclosing any personal matters and so this was just a little update on that. I am in my final year right now and I’m glad that that was all in the past. I’m not particularly smart and so I’m just going to do my best and have fun with it.

 

Here’s to bigger and better things!

And with that, I am done!

No Longer the Fifth Member

From a couple posts ago.. I revealed a rather disturbing thing that had happened.

After many things that have unfolded for the past couple of months.. I’m no longer the fifth member. I am number four. (Yes, that is a movie reference, but this is serious.)  I don’t feel comfortable with disclosing too much information but the bottom line is, he left us, he walked out on this family. He chose a life of lies, vulgarity and disappointment.

As a result of his decision, our family of five has become a family of four.

Tears were shed, dust was cleared and we shall continue to rise from all of this; stronger and wiser.

Be strong.

The Tale of the Disappointed and Pissed-Off Fifth Member

Bonjour.

As mentioned in my previous post.. I have come to the conclusion that I would update more frequently on this blog site. And that I shall do.

However, I didn’t think that the topic I would be covering for my first official post back would be this.

As mentioned in my very first post on this site, I talked about how I was the fifth member and how I had an older brother. The topic that I’ll be covering today will be a little touchy, a tad bit personal and all-round hush-hush. However, seeing as how this is my blog and I’ll be telling the events that occur in [The Tale of the Fifth Member].. I think that I should be free to write honestly and freely.

So let’s see…

Several months ago, my parents left the country for a month and my sister had been away on an internship for a couple of months too. During this time, the house was left to both my brother and I. Of course, my brother decided to drop the ‘secret girlfriend bomb’ on me. Not only that, I also became aware of the fact that this woman was twelve years my brother’s senior, had no education past the age of twelve and was an illegal immigrant from China to boot!

Not only was that a shocker, he wanted to bring this girl over to stay at the house for the month that my parents weren’t around. Of course, I was utterly against this. No way was I going to ever be okay with it.  But after the nights of screaming, crying and yelling.. I agreed to meet with her and then make my decision. I should applaud my brother’s acting. I genuinely believed him when he got down on his knees and started begging me.

Because the night he brought her and the moment she stepped into the house, there was no turning back. He was going to have her stay here, no matter what. And I had absolutely no stay in it. And so it began.

During the days of her staying over, let’s just say, I realised how stupid this girl really was. [Oh yeah, by the way, did I mention she can’t speak a word of English? And she’s been staying here for over two years now.]  Her knife skills are absolutely terrible, not only that, the way she dumps the knife everywhere with the sharp side facing up. Not only that, she never learns! I told her countless of times not to do that, yet she still does so! Remember this isn’t her house, so she shouldn’t have the liberty of potentially kill the people who live in it!

Not only that, but obviously, it’s completely necessary for her to prance around the house in my brother’s T-shirt and boxers. Seriously, she stayed in that ensemble for the whole month. Not only did that sight burn my eyeballs, but watching her attempt to straddle my brother at every chance she gets, or hearing her moans coming from my brother’s room at two in the morning really did a bang-up job of triggering my gag reflex.

Both of them were so selfish, sure fine, feel free to do all those sick stuff IF YOU’RE ALONE. But come on, I really don’t need to see that crap.

To top it off, she even wanted to pay this druggy that forced his crappy cleaning services on the highway. Even after my brother told her not to flash him the money more than ten times. And she’s meant to be the thirty two year old here.

Two weeks after my parents came back home, my brother dropped the ‘girlfriend bomb’ on them too. Of course, after hearing the circumstances in which this girl was in, they weren’t too ecstatic about it. You could even say the house hold turned into living hell as everyone turned onto each other and I even got the rump of it even though it had absolutely nothing to do with it.

After a week or so, she came over to our house and my parents met her for the first time. As far as my parents were aware off, that was the first time I met with her too. During this time, my opinion of this girl was that she was undoubtedly stupid but other than that.. it wasn’t that bad. My parents on the other hand claimed her to be manipulative and … somethings that were even worse than that.

Subsequent to this.. other things have unfolded however, everyone in this family had tolerated my brother’s bullshit but yesterday… I wasn’t going to deal with his crap anymore. I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.

In the middle of the night, last night, I head two pairs of footsteps, walking past my room, and then they separated. One went to the bathroom, the other to the toilet. Unless my brother developed two pairs of feet… I knew something was up.

After poking my head into his room while both of them were showering together, my suspicions were proved to be right when I saw that girl’s phone sitting on his bed and her handbag tucked behind his bed. THAT WAS IT.

This boy had the nerve to sneak this girl in, without informing my parents (fully knowing how my parents felt about his relationship with this girl), without informing me and he thought he could get away with this crap with my parents in the next room. He might’ve gotten away with it. But I have had enough of this shit. It wasn’t fair on my parents, this was their house and they didn’t deserve to have some illegal immigrant snooping around.

After waking up my parents are 12AM, I gave them the 411 and my mother pounced onto them once they came out of the shower. God was it unsightly. My brother was wearing nothing but his boxers and the girl was also in the midst of getting dressed. And it was completely understandable when my mother snapped and started reprimanding the girl. However while all this was happening the girl didn’t even have the decency to face my mother. Instead her back was to my mother and she just kept stuffing all her crap into her goddamn handbag, wrapping her scarf around he neck in a rushed, haughty manner while completely ignoring my mother’s presence. THAT WAS THE LAST STRAW.

This girl was a complete bitch! A shit brained, bitchy, skanky, two-faced snake in the grass!

And all she did was hide behind my brother and act as if both of them were the victims here.

It took me all my willpower to stop myself from pouncing on her and slapping the shit out of her.

The way she ‘apologised’ with absolutely not hint of remorse was enough for me to break my silence and speak my mind.

I won’t go into the details but in the end, the girl threw a tantrum.

And now here we are, the family’s broken.

My brother was finally given the ultimatum, either leave the manipulative cow or move out.

I hope he’s happy now.

I’m utterly disappointed in his stupidity.

And this may sound horrible, but I’ve completely given up on him.

In the future, I can see it now, that girl isn’t going to stick with him… her future is going back to China and entertaining old men who waste their life away in dusty old rooms by gambling and pouring tea for them. She doesn’t want to have kids and honestly, after the three years that they’re not allowed to meet each other, she’ll (frankly) be way too old to do so.

So that’s what he’s leaving his family for, a mainly sexual relationship with a woman that’s nearly old enough to be his mother that spends her life in a crapshoot and she doesn’t even have the motivation to attempt to learn the English language, instead she spends all her free time watching Hong Kong dramas in my brother’s underwear. She’s really living the glamarous life dotcha’ think?

I hope for her sake, she never sees me again, because next time I won’t be satisfied until I slap her or give her a suckerpunch, whichever suits my mood on that day.

I’m sorry for that whole dump.

I hope all of you have a great day.

The End.

It Lies Within Us- Just A thought.

I guess you could say that there are a lot of problems with this family, even though we laugh together and love each other… for some reason we find ourselves picking at things. And maybe we do it subconsciously… but we’re always looking for a problem to destroy all the happiness. Saying spiteful things, subconsciously hoping that someone gets hurt. It all sounds horrible but… I think that this is the corrupted truth lying within us.

A Simple Gesture.

There’s just some things that can only be done by certain people which always just makes you smile. I want to give you guys an example of this, from an event that I have just recently experienced.

If you’re in the Southern Hemisphere right now, you’d know that we’re currently experiencing the winter chill down here. We never get any snow in Australia though, just massive amounts of water. Of course, yesterday was no exception and we received quite a few showers. Luckily for me, it didn’t rain at all when I was walking from bus stops to stations, after school. It did start raining when I was on my last bus home though, however I was pretty lucky and it stopped once I got off my bus. I didn’t end up stopping at the usual bus stop which was located near my house though because I caught a different bus.

That meant that I had to walk further today to get back to my house. When I arrived home, my sister opened the door for me and asked me where our father was. I replied with ‘How should I know?’ because seriously, how should I know? I took the bus and the train by myself. She then informed me that he was waiting at my usual bus stop  because he wanted to wait for me.

After hearing this, I dropped my things and started running to the usual bus stop. I bumped into my father as he was making his way back home. His clothes were slightly damp and he was carrying a closed, unused umbrella. It turns out he was waiting there for more than half an hour for me. I asked him why he didn’t use the umbrella since it was raining.

He said: ” I brought it for you because I knew you wouldn’t open and use your umbrella even though you have one.”

That really made me touched.

I did what every daughter would do in that situation, I gave him a hug but slightly told him off for doing something so reckless, especially since he was already sick and he still decided to stand in the rain and the cold with only a jumper and shorts, plus he didn’t use the umbrella even though he was the one getting caught in the rain.

He even tried to lie at the start and he tried to deny the fact that he stood in the rain but I told him about how I didn’t get caught in the rain because it only started raining when I was on the bus, however I was well aware of the fact that it was raining half an hour ago because I was on the bus at the time.

It’s moments like these that are truly priceless.

Even though there are moments where my dad gets angry for no particular reason or he’s being completely unfair and I really can’t stand it but he’s my dad and I love him.

Linn.

Introduction

Hello.

I’ve yet again created another blog. I just felt that ‘Linn Express’ was far too professional for the casual content that I wanted to write about.
(I’ll still be uploading posts there, as well as on ‘Linn Reviews’)
And thus, this blog was born.

If you’ve already read the ‘prologue’ (though it’s not really a proper prologue) then you’ll be aware that this blog will contain all my future daily thoughts. (Or personal thoughts)

This blog will be centered around me, the fifth member.
Well, let me just introduce myself with further details. I’m the third child of my family which makes me the fifth member including both my parents. On this blog, I’ll be mentioning more family orientated things as well as my personal feelings about anything that I’ve experienced.

Since I’m the fifth member, I’m the youngest, my brother is 4 years older than me and my sister is 2 years older than him. I know, that’s a pretty big age gap between my sister and I. I think so too. However, it’s not very hard to get along with her as she’s still quite immature for her age and sometimes it even feels like I’m older than her. Same goes for my brother.

Honestly though, there are times when I think that I’m not needed in this family and that I’m the one that’ll be the least missed out of all my siblings. Which makes sense, I mean, my family was already running running perfectly fine before I got there, they were already a happy family of four. I’m just the plus one that popped up. But thinking like that just ruins all the fun so I try to push that out of my mind.

It kind of sucks being the youngest child at times. I’m sure all those people out there who are the youngest out of their siblings can relate. (Those ‘only child’s definitely cannot relate, it’s definitely not the same thing and you’ll see why later) Well, when you’re the youngest child, you’re probably the one that is the least trusted, you don’t receive as much freedom as your older siblings and it doesn’t matter how old you are. I used to think that it was but now I’m in the middle of my teenage years and I still don’t really get as much liberty as they did when they were my age.

For some reason, in my parents’ eyes, I just don’t seem to be growing..even though I am.

This is not the same as those children who have no siblings. When you’re the only child, your parents don’t really have much experience with having multiple children, so if you compare it, you’re pretty much equivalent to the oldest sibling. You get just as much freedom and you’ll get treated as a young adult when you’re a young adult. You, my friend, have a good life.

I could go on and start describing each member of my family however, that would take up quite some time so I’ll try to make thinks quick by only giving a brief description. Let’s start off with the oldest, my dad.

First of all, let my just clear things up, I never ever call my dad ‘dad’. It just doesn’t seem right to and I don’t think I would ever be able to call him ‘dad’. I always address him as ‘papa’ or ‘pa’. I’m not sure if he’ll even respond if I call him ‘dad’.

He’s short-tempered but inside he’s still a ‘softie’. He has a good sense of humour and he’ll always help his friend. (No matter how hard the task is. He often gets taken advantage of because of this..) I feel like he treats my siblings like this as well, however he’s not as kind-hearted to me. I’m not saying that he doesn’t act that way towards me, however in comparison with my siblings..it’s quite rare that I receive that sort of treatment.

My father’s taste in things are pretty typical, I guess.. He’s into cars, fishing, coffee and Buddhism. I particularly like his handwriting and his drawings. He’s particularly good at maths and science. When cooking he mostly only cooks seafood. He’s crazy about chilli and soy sauce. His taste in flavour is unusually extreme and he can be a ‘clean freak’ at times but he’s also quite disgusting.

My mother on the other hand is quite a crafty person. She loves making home-made items. This can be good but also extremely bad. An example of something good would be her ‘home-made blankets’. Their not particularly warm but they do look cute. She likes making cases for things as well. My favourites would be her pencil-cases and the iPod case she made for me.

Something bad would be her home-made detergent. It’s made out of rotten cabbages. It’s as it sounds, it smells horrible and we’re not even really sure if it works. It does stink up the house though. She’s notorious for leaving her sewing needles around the house, it’s quite frightening. My father even has nightmares about it. My sister even fell victim to it once. She stepped onto one and we had to get it out of her foot.

My mother’s also a very good cook. I really love her home-made meals the best. She’s also a big fan of baking. She bakes everything and anything! She even makes her own bread, They taste so much better when you eat them fresh out of the oven! I guess this is one of the simple things I like in life.

My sister is evil and when she’s nice, 95% of the time, she has ulterior motives. She’s quite mean and she only comes to me when I’m the last resort after everyone has ignored her. Even though I’m aware of her track record, I always go along with her. Though a the years go by I’m slowly learning from my mistakes.

I would say that she’s quite intelligent. I admire her handwriting the most. She’s my parents’ favourite daughter, mostly because she’s their first child plus she’s smart. My sister now currently has a boyfriend who I’m not very fond off. Particularly because he’s quite rude and he’s like a girl in the sense that he’s quite two-faced.

My sister can be quite a back-stabber at times and she is also quite a trend-follower. She’ll hate something but once everyone starts paying attention to it, it becomes her most favourite thing in the world. Even though there are a lot of things that I do not like about her, she’s still my sister and nothing will change that fact.

My brother is a lazy bum that is good for nothing. He spends 85% of his time in his room gaming. When we were younger I would join him and game with him but
I’ve grown out of that. Don’t get me wrong I still game, just not as much and it doesn’t take up as much of my time anymore. My brother, much like my sister, only comes to me when I’m the last resort. He likes picking up fights with me for not good reason. We used to be a lot closer but now I really cannot stand him at times. I’m not saying that we’re not close anymore but I just don’t spend as much time with him anymore. Which is a good thing because he really drives me up a wall at times.
Again, even though he’s an absolute pain in the butt, he’s still my brother and nothing will change that.

He’s quite obsessed with muscles and basketball as well, he has an acute fear of Indians, also he’s a giant homophobic.
He’s been like that for as long as I can remember.

I think that’s it for now.
Please look forward to my future posts!

Linn.