Yes, it has been a while. No, I did not intentionally leave you. Yes, I will be writing more. No, I’ll only start writing on a regular basis once I’ve given my best in embracing my studies. Yes, I’m only writing this right now because I feel the need to.
So let’s get to it, shall we?
Of course, you might not have noticed but within the span of the last two years, I’ve evolved into a very cynical person. Specifically, I’ve been very cynical about love. That’s right, the girl that has been infatuated with all things romantic crap has been flipped around completely. And now, I don’t believe in love. Let me clarify some things. I believe in platonic love between friends and family. I still believe in that. Yes, even after that whole traumatic incident within our family. I’ve realised that it’s fragile and that it takes a lot of effort to piece back a family but I would still say it’s love. Sure, there are secrets and things that we choose to ignore but it’s somehow functioning right now. I would still say that I love my brother. No matter how stupid he is and how much hate I felt for him, I still love him. I still have a lot of hate towards him, for what he did but I still believe that I love him. So, yes, I still believe in love between family. But I don’t believe in romantic love. Not anymore.
I think that it’s complete and utter bullshit.
Certain events have led me to my current perspective of everything and honestly, I regret nothing. I wouldn’t go back and change anything. I think that I’m exactly where I’m meant to be. I don’t want to be emotionally attached to anyone. I’m content in that aspect of my life. No, I’m not saying that I never want to marry someone and be happy with that certain someone. But right now, no, I don’t want to be with anybody. Honestly, I don’t know what ‘love’ is. Of course, many people say that ‘love’ is when you notice certain things about that someone and ‘love’ is when it doesn’t feel right when that person isn’t around.
SCREW MAKING UP EXCUSES AS TO WHY YOU CAN’T CONCENTRATE. SCREW WILLINGLY LETTING PEOPLE AFFECT YOUR EMOTIONS.
You can’t help falling in love. Love just happens.
Yeah, screw that load of nonsense.
As Malcolm/Kevin Doyle once said: “Love is patient, love is kind, love means slowly losing your mind.”
For some reason, it seems as if a lot of people around me have been breaking up.
My sister broke up with her boyfriend a couple of weeks ago. Apparently it was a toxic relationship. She was putting a lot more effort into the relationship than he was. There were some other details but I don’t think that it would be quite so appropriate if I were to disclose them here. The thing is, from the very beginning- 3 years ago- the whole family could tell that my sister was definitely the only one in that relationship that actually worked to make it work. However, she kept insisting that that was not the case until, she couldn’t take it anymore and so she broke things off and finally admitted to herself that that was indeed the case.
She claims that she still loves him and that she will ALWAYS love him.
I do understand where she is coming from, to a certain degree.
I have mentioned this before, on my other blog, where I did ‘fall in love’ with my best friend..and…
I did feel that way. I felt that I would always like him. That I would always love him as a best friend would. I felt that no matter how badly I wanted to forget him, no matter how badly I wanted to erase the memories or no matter how much I wanted to stop feeling anything towards him- I wouldn’t be able to do it. At that time, he was all I could ever possibly think about.
And I get it. It’s hard. It’s hard to suddenly realise that you’ve put so much time and effort into this one thing and now you just have to watch it all fall apart and know that you can’t possibly do anything to save it. It’s hard. It will take time. It will hurt.
At that time, I did not understand.
I hated it. I wanted to go back and change everything. If I had done this or done that, would things have been different? Would I have been happy?
No. Now I can safely say that. I do not like him. I do not need him. I don’t need anybody. And I definitely would not change anything even if I could.
It did take time. It took some time for me to realise that I was being very stupid. It took time for me to realise that I didn’t know what love was. It took time for me to realise that I didn’t need to love anybody.
But I do realise that, ‘that’ is definitely NOT love. Love is not about loving someone blindly. Love is not about prioritising someone to the point of losing yourself. Love is not about hurting yourself for the sake of loving that person. That is not love. If you feel like you can’t operate without that someone, then there’s your problem right there.
During my time of ‘loving’ that someone, I found myself blaming myself whenever he suddenly exploded in my face. To the point of feeling the need to apologise to him even though I had clearly not done anything wrong. I hated it. That was definitely not love. I was placing that person before me in everything. I was losing myself. Love is not about conforming yourself to match that person.
After I realised that it needed to stop, that I needed to wake up and start loving myself, I began to change. As you already know, I personally don’t believe in a love where you blindly place someone before you. (Just to clear things up. When I say this, I mean, where you willing accept shit from that person and you love someone more than they love you. That kind of ‘love’. I don’t believe in it. It’s not right.) I began to change in that aspect. I also changed by trying new things and learning how to operate without him by my side. Because really, when I decided to distance myself from him and completely remove him from my life, I didn’t just lose someone that I liked… I lost my best friend.
It was really hard. I had been friends with him for a decade and losing that was an incredibly low point in my life. It also didn’t help that that was also the period in which, my brother had left us and that was the time that I really needed his support. He did try to comfort me during that period but both of us knew that it was awkward and that it wasn’t right.
I ignored him for a year. I felt that it was necessary, in order for me to slowly heal myself.
I’m sure he didn’t like it. And maybe it was horrible for me to do that. But it was finally time for me to be a little bit selfish. I ignored everything. It started off with me not speaking to him. Then I ignored his messages. I ignored his apology for him not being able to to see me when it was my birthday. (Okay, that one took me by surprise. I didn’t think that he would actually send me that message) I ignored him when he tried to talk to me at school. Yes, even when he called out my name. I ignored him to the point that he felt the need to purposely walk straight into me. It hurt walking into his chest like that. And still, I ignored him.
Yes, it was unfair for me to end our friendship like that but I really couldn’t stand him at that point. Even though it wasn’t his fault, I had to do it.
Three months ago, we finally talked.
It was normal. I was finally able to look him in the eyes and be confident with the fact that I was happy without his companionship. Now, things are okay.
We’re not the friends that we used to be but it’s okay.
People grow, people fade…. and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
We still joke and laugh together. There’s no more ignoring from either party.
But it’s no longer the same. I never want it to be the same again. It was a great friendship but there’s no need for me to pursue that anymore. I don’t think about him anymore, I’ve stopped thinking about him for a year now. Sure, since that experience, I’m all I’ve got. People, they come and go but I am transcendent. I shouldn’t abuse myself by reducing myself to something so weak.
I would rather spend all that time and effort being happy, trying new things and growing as an individual.
I had to learn that I was just being a stupid high school kid. If you were like me, here’s some advice. It might feel like trying to pursue a crush is everything right now but… let me just tell you something that you already know. It’s not. It really isn’t. Just work on yourself. Love yourself and be a good student. That kind of love that I’ve been discussing this whole time, yeah… that love fades. It always does. Be it months or years, it will fade. And once it does, you don’t want to be left with an unaccomplished self. Because that’s just stupid.
That’s it. That’s all I guess. I just thought I would update on things because even though this is supposed to be my private blog, I haven’t been disclosing any personal matters and so this was just a little update on that. I am in my final year right now and I’m glad that that was all in the past. I’m not particularly smart and so I’m just going to do my best and have fun with it.
Here’s to bigger and better things!
And with that, I am done!